Supporting Students

Pastor Dillon here.

Our world is more connected than ever before by technology and social media, yet mental health is at an all-time low. With social pressure, lofty expectations, and ever-changing policies and curriculums, middle-school and high-school students are not set up for an easy path to follow God - much less share about God with their friends.

In short, our teens are struggling and the Church is no longer a given as one of the more prominent influences in their life. I take a lot of pride in the students at our church and their desire to build strong, healthy community together, but student ministries, sponsors, and pastors all have their limits.

But there’s a constant influence that cannot be replaced – parents.

I came across a quote in college that has stuck with me through the years “The greatest place of walking your faith out is trusting God with your child.”

With a toddler in my own house, we are constantly dancing to ‘Baby Shark’ and ‘Wheels on the Bus’ repeatedly. We especially love being able to FaceTime and Zoom family and friends around the world, yet I’m scared to imagine the pressures and fuzzy moral decisions my daughter will have to face one day. But I also know that God is with my wife and me as we parent our daughter and cultivate a healthy, humble identity of who God created her to be.

So, if you have a teen who is struggling or you work with teens, what are some practical things you can do to encourage and equip them? The following is an article from axis.org/resources. They have HUNDREDS of helpful resources on navigating a variety of topics with teenagers.

1. Listen carefully, actively, and prayerfully.

It’s essential to always practice active listening with your child, especially as you enter these tough conversations. Focus on exactly what they’re saying and how they’re saying it, and respond actively with facial and vocal affirmations as appropriate (such as an encouraging nod or the occasional “mhm”). Try to restate what they’re saying in your own words to ensure you are understanding. You might say something like, “I’m hearing you say ______. Is that right?” For as long as the conversation lasts, try to keep one ear tuned to your child and the other ear tuned to the Holy Spirit. As you listen, ask the Lord to help you lay aside your assumptions and responses so you can clearly hear and see your child. Ask Him to give insight not only into what they are saying, but what they’re trying to say and what they aren’t saying at all.

2. Be present.

Maintain loving eye contact with your child throughout these difficult conversations, even if they struggle to meet your eyes. This reassures them that you are in the room, that you’re in this struggle with them, and that you are not afraid of what they’re telling you. Your child will likely be hyper aware of all your movements, expressions, and behaviors. If they are trying to tell you something and you look away from them to check your phone, they will perceive themselves as less important than whatever you’re distracted by. This can also extend to others in the conversation; if another parent or caring adult is in the room, try not to exchange concerned looks or talk too much to them during conversations with your child. Your child and their crisis should be your central focus in the conversation.

Do everything you can to stay physically present in the room with your child. As we’ve already said, hearing what your child is going through may be incredibly distressing. If you abruptly leave the room, it may communicate to your child one or more of these things: they are on their own, you can’t handle this situation, things are beyond repair; what they’ve done is so horrible you can’t stand to be near them. If you must step out of the room for a moment to take some deep breaths and gather yourself emotionally, say, “Hey, I am with you. I just need a quick minute because I want to be with you in a healthy way.” Sometimes, our children tell us things that make us feel helpless and lost, but from their perspective, we are the ones who should know what to do. When they open up to us, they demonstrate their trust that we can and will take care of them.

3. Try to be “unshockable.”

We are all sinners capable of doing things we might never have imagined (Psalm 51:5). If your child shares something that is difficult for you to hear, you must remain calm. No matter what they tell you, try not to react with shock or dismay that they can see. Don’t express shock that they have sinned or are having a deep struggle. They need to know you are safe and strong enough to walk with them through their pain. They need to know you still love them unconditionally. If you gasp or look horrified, it will confirm the negative things they may already think about themselves.

4. Be thankful.

This may sound counterintuitive and not even something you can imagine doing, but it is a blessing to be brought into your child’s struggle. Whether or not they share voluntarily or you find out about what’s happening while they were trying to keep it hidden, be sure to express your gratitude to God for bringing your child’s pain to light so you can help. Thank your child for any and everything they share with you. Even if they don’t want to tell you anything, let them know you are thankful for whatever they say. Every milestone of honesty is praiseworthy, and every emotion openly expressed is cause for thanksgiving.

5. Validate their willingness and courage to face their issues.

This principle takes being thankful one step further. If your child is willing to face their issues, that’s brave and difficult. Affirm and emphasize how proud you are that they’re asking for help. Many people go through their whole lives without facing any of their issues or getting help from anyone. The fact that your child is having uncomfortable conversations while they are young is admirable and should be encouraged.

6. Validate their emotions.

It’s important to remember that while certain emotions your child expresses might seem unhealthy or inappropriate, that doesn’t mean they’re not real. What’s more, there’s not anything you can or should do to make your child stop feeling what they’re feeling. Validating your child’s emotions doesn’t mean encouraging them to let those feelings have free reign over their hearts and actions; it just means acknowledging that what they feel is real. When appropriate, you can also say to them, “I think what you are feeling makes a lot of sense,” or “I can see why that makes you feel that way.” If you share their feelings about the situation, calmly saying, “I’m feeling [this emotion], too,” can sometimes help create an experience of solidarity.

7. Stay self-aware.

As parents, we love our children and hate to see them hurting, even if they are hurting us in the process. Because of this, it’s essential to practice the other part of self-awareness, which is governing our outward expression of emotion so that tough conversations with our teens remain as calm as possible. If you can’t hold back your tears, take a moment to share with your child what you’re feeling or thinking. Since your child might feel guilty or ashamed for making you cry, it’s important to contextualize this reaction as coming from love. Affirm that you are grateful for your child’s honesty in telling you what’s happening and that you are crying because you’re sad that they have been in pain and walking through it alone.

If you get angry, which is sometimes very understandable, be aware of any body language that might cause your child to shut down. Things like taking intense deep breaths, aggressively rubbing your face, or pacing the room communicate disapproval, disappointment, and judgment—and can end a conversation. Remember that the goal is to listen to your child and get them the support they need. Remain as calm and open as possible during the conversation, then take your anger to God and others you trust later.

8. Avoid saying, “I completely understand.”

While it may be tempting to say this in an attempt to validate our child’s feelings and experiences, this response can sometimes feel insensitive and dismissive. Though we might have walked through similar circumstances, our experiences will not be the same. You might have both been bullied in sixth grade, but for them, it’s happening in a world with different technology, culture, ideas, and social norms than it did for you. Apart from that, you have different temperaments, personalities, interests, emotions, and of course, different parents. 

9. Be okay with not understanding.

When your child tells you they’ve done something that shocks or surprises you, it’s natural to try and make sense of it. This is especially true if you think you’ve provided all the tools and instruction they need to avoid the current situation. It can be easy to slip into self-doubt and despair here, wrestling with questions that don’t have answers. But the reality is that trying to figure out what could have been different, tallying everywhere you failed and succeeded, and looking for solutions in the past only keeps you from seeking a way forward. The past can provide clarity and give you wisdom, but it can’t be changed. Your time is best spent on the present, where you can make a difference.

10. Don’t be afraid to speak hard truths into the situation (when the time is right).

When your child shares things they’ve done, they may try to explain why they felt justified doing them. It may be easy for some parents to step into that justification with them. But helping them take whatever responsibility is appropriate is the only way for them to fully address what they’re struggling with. This doesn’t mean it needs to happen immediately. Sometimes “hard truths” are best shared in follow-up conversations. And in spaces like these, “speaking truth” is not telling your child off or punishing them for their unhealthy coping mechanisms. Instead, it’s about helping them learn how to abandon the things that lie to us about the good they do and seeking out the healing that lasts.

11. Seek to find the root of the issue.

It’s vital to understand that your child’s behavioral struggles don’t define them—and they aren’t even the heart of what’s going on inside them. Bad behaviors are often simply bad solutions to deeper issues. Under the behavioral issue(s) you see, there are likely stories of hurt, lies they have believed from the enemy, and unhealthy roots that have grown like rejection or fear. They are trying to address healthy needs in an unhealthy way. For whatever reason, whether you understand or agree with it, the way your child is seeking to meet that need may have made sense to them at some level. For example, if your child is seeking attention with unhealthy behaviors, is it because they feel/have felt alone, abandoned, or ignored? If your child is trying to numb themselves in some way, is it because they are carrying pain they have not been able to process in a healthy way? Be curious about what is going on at a deeper, root level.

12. Be aware of subjective memory.

When emotions are high, the human brain can exaggerate or even fabricate a perspective and timeline of events. It’s why at a crime scene, one witness says they heard just one gunshot, and another says they heard four. It’s also why someone can swear they arrived home at noon, but someone else remembers seeing them elsewhere at that time. Be aware that your child’s recounting of events or situations may not be 100% accurate. Be gracious. They may not be intentionally trying to deceive you but are just trying to communicate the intensity of their feelings. Do not feel like you must be an investigative reporter to confirm that every detail they share is exactly what happened. What matters most is not every single detail, but the effects of whatever happened on your child and how they are responding (Note: If your child reports any form of abuse, it is not your job to investigate or confirm whether or not it’s true. Your job is to contact your local child protective services office or law enforcement agency so professionals can assess the situation.)

13. Pray first and always.

Though it’s last on this list, prayer is the most essential part of helping a struggling child. None of these other steps are sustainable without God’s guidance and strength. Reach out to the Spirit for wisdom and discernment as you enter these conversations. It’s not your job to have all the answers or to know how to fix everything—that’s why we reach out to the only One who does. Ask Him to make you more self-aware of your emotions as you have difficult conversations with your children and help you discern the next right step to ensure your child’s well-being as well as your own.